Thursday, June 16, 2011

A Spot of Light Rioting

Good morning everyone.

As you are no doubt aware, the Canucks did not win the Stanley Cup. In fact, the only objects being hoisted above the heads of anyone in a Canucks jersey were trash cans, shortly before being thrown through the plate glass window of a shop front. Yes, fans of the nearly-best team in the NHL decided that the best reaction to the loss was to have a bit of a fracas.

Well, I say "fans". What I really mean is, "fat, stupid, ignorant, drunkardly, puerile, obtuse, moronic, half-witted, mouth-breathing gobshites." In a single evening, these knuckle-dragging ignorami burned trash, smashed glass, flipped cars and micturated all over Vancouver's hard-won reputation as jewel by the sea.

Where once we glittered in the reflected glow of Olympic ideals, now we awake to heaps of ashes where thugs heaped our collective character on a pyre and set fire to it.

That haze hanging over the city? It's a miasma of embarrassment and shame. As I scrolled through my twitter feed, facebook and the like, the same theme kept repeating itself: we're humiliated, we're abashed, we're disgraced, we're ashamed.

Well I'm not. I'm bloody irritated.

Were you one of the australopithecus gibbering and flinging your poo around downtown last night? Congratulations: you are F'd in the A. This is not 1994, bonehead, and posting, "LULZ BRNING CARZ IZ FUN :)" as a status update with an iPhone picture of you throwing up the devil horns while kicking a cop car is not smart. But then, neither are you.

Already, all the hundreds of pictures taken by all the hundreds of cel-phones that were in downtown Vancouver are being thoroughly sifted by the Police. Thousands of people who are NOT gormless idiots are pitching in with tips and evidence to help identify the apes who thought it was a good idea to stage a mosh pit on Georgia.

You are going to get caught. You are going to go to prison. This being Canada, you are probably going to get a Social Worker who wants to spend hours talking about your feelings. Either way, there will be Consequences for your Actions.

Most importantly, next year, when the same Canucks team, now forged together by a lengthy playoff run and tempered by adversity; now backed by a legion of true fans, cheering them on win or lose; now ready to take their place as a championship team:

When they hoist the cup next year?

You're not invited.

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